How to Be More Patient: 8 Ways to Stay Calm With Yourself and Others

The queue barely moves, and your jaw tightens. Your child puts on a shoe for the fourth time, and your voice sharpens. You have been working on something for months, and the progress feels invisible. Impatience can show up almost anywhere, and it usually leaves behind a bit of regret.

If you would like to be more patient, the encouraging news is that patience is a skill, and the research gives some clear ways to build it.

What patience is

Psychologist Sarah Schnitker, who has done much of the research on the subject, describes patience as the ability to stay calm and composed in the face of frustration, delay or suffering, and she distinguishes three types:

• Interpersonal patience: staying calm with annoying or difficult people.
• Life hardship patience: enduring difficult circumstances, such as illness or setbacks, without giving up or falling apart.
• Daily hassle patience: coping calmly with everyday frustrations such as traffic and waiting.

Patience is not passivity or suppression. It is not about feeling nothing. It is about responding thoughtfully instead of automatically.

What research says

Patience is linked with wellbeing

In a series of studies, Schnitker found that people who were more patient, particularly in interpersonal situations and with hardship, reported better mental health, including lower depression, and higher life satisfaction than less patient people. Patient people also tended to be more persistent in pursuing goals.

The classic delay studies

Walter Mischel’s studies on delay of gratification showed that how children thought about the reward, as well as how they directed their attention, affected how long they could wait. Children who distracted themselves or thought of the treat in abstract terms waited longer than those who stared at it. The lesson holds for adults: patience depends partly on where attention goes.

Stress and tiredness eat patience

When you are tired, hungry, overloaded or anxious, your tolerance shrinks. If patience seems to have vanished, see why am I so irritable all the time.

Why we run out of patience

• Expectations: the situation does not match how we think it should go.
• Time pressure: we feel we have no time to spare.
• Fatigue and stress.
• Feeling a lack of control.
• Perfectionism: impatience with ourselves and others for falling short.
• Constant speed: instant messages and fast results lower our tolerance for waiting.

8 ways to be more patient

1. Notice impatience early

Learn your early signs: tight chest, clenched jaw, faster breathing, sharp thoughts like “hurry up.” Catching it at level three is easier than at level nine. See how to stop overreacting.

2. Pause and breathe out slowly

One slow breath with a longer exhale gives your thinking brain a moment. Count to five silently before responding to a trigger.

3. Reframe the wait

Ask: What else could this moment be for? A delay can become a pause to breathe, to notice your surroundings or to be present. See how to practice mindfulness.

4. Shift your attention, like the children who waited

Mischel’s findings suggest you can make waiting easier by moving attention away from the frustration: look around, listen to music, think of something pleasant, or do a small useful task.

5. Look for the other person’s side

With people, ask: What might they be dealing with? What would I need if I were in their shoes? This is not about excusing behaviour, but about reducing the heat.

6. Lower unrealistic expectations

Notice the “should” behind impatience: “It should have been done by now.” Replace with “This is taking longer than I’d like, and I can wait.” Be especially realistic with children and with your own progress. See the case for slower self-improvement.

7. Protect your basics

Sleep, food, movement and some downtime widen your tolerance. Many impatient moments are really tired or hungry moments.

8. Be patient with yourself

Self-compassion, as researched by Kristin Neff, supports resilience. When you snap, avoid a spiral of guilt: say, “I lost patience, and that’s human. What can I do differently next time?” Repair with a quick apology if needed. See how to stop being so hard on yourself.

A worked example

Maya, a parent, finds herself shouting every morning when her son takes forever to get dressed.

1. Notice early: she feels heat rise in her face at 7:40.
2. Pause: she takes a slow breath and counts to five.
3. Reframe: “He’s six and he’s still learning to do this himself.”
4. Shift attention: she uses the minute to pack her own bag.
5. His side: he is tired and anxious about school.
6. Expectations: she moves the schedule 10 minutes earlier, so the “should” becomes realistic.
7. Basics: she goes to bed half an hour earlier.
8. Self-compassion: when she still snaps once, she apologises and moves on.

Within a few weeks, mornings are calmer. Her son is no faster, but she is no longer racing against herself.

Common mistakes

• Suppressing frustration. It tends to burst out later.
• Expecting instant calm. Patience is a skill built by practice.
• Mistaking patience for passivity. You can be patient and still set boundaries.
• Ignoring tiredness and stress. They drain patience.
• Judging yourself after a slip. Guilt makes it harder.
• Holding others to your standards. Expectations feed impatience.

When to seek help

Talk to a doctor or therapist if:

• anger or irritability feels out of control or frightening,
• you often lose your temper in ways you regret or that hurt others,
• impatience comes with persistent low mood, anxiety or exhaustion,
• you are overwhelmed as a parent or carer and fear for your reactions,
• it is affecting relationships or work.

Support is available for anger and stress, and early help is best. See how to manage anger and our disclaimer. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency number or, in the United States, call or text 988.

Frequently asked questions

Can you learn to be more patient?

Yes. Patience is a skill that grows with practice, such as pausing, reframing and attending to your basics.

Why am I so impatient?

Common causes include stress, tiredness, high expectations, time pressure and a feeling of lacking control.

Is patience good for you?

Research suggests that patient people, particularly in difficult times and with others, tend to have better wellbeing and lower depression.

How do I stay patient with my kids?

Notice early signs, pause, remember their age and abilities, lower unrealistic expectations and look after your own sleep and stress.

How do I become more patient with myself?

Practise self-compassion, set realistic expectations and focus on progress, not perfection.

Is impatience a sign of something wrong?

Usually not, but if irritability is constant or out of control, a professional can help check for stress, anxiety, depression or other causes.

The bottom line

Patience is a skill, not a trait you either have or lack. Notice early signs, pause, reframe the wait, look after your basics and extend to yourself the grace you give to others. Small, repeated practice makes calm the default.