How to Find Your Core Values: A 5-Step Exercise to Decide What Matters

You are offered a promotion that pays more but means working most weekends, and something in you resists, though you cannot explain it. Or you find yourself unusually angry at a colleague who cuts corners. Or you simply feel that your busy life does not quite add up to a life you care about.

In each case, values may be the missing piece. Knowing what you care about most turns vague discomfort into information.

What core values are

Values are the qualities, principles or ways of being that matter most to you, such as honesty, family, creativity, courage, fairness, learning or adventure. They are about how you want to live, not what you want to achieve.

• A goal is something you can complete: get a promotion.
• A value is a direction you keep moving in: growth or service.

You can never finish “being honest,” but you can act on it every day. The psychologist Shalom Schwartz, who studied values across many countries, identified a set of universal value types, including self-direction, benevolence, security, achievement and tradition, which people prioritise differently. The mix is personal.

Why values matter

They guide decisions

When two options both look reasonable, your values help break the tie. See how to make decisions when you’re unsure.

Goals that fit your values feel better

Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot’s self-concordance model found that people who pursue goals for reasons that fit their genuine interests and values, rather than guilt or pressure, put in more sustained effort, make more progress and feel better when they attain their goals. Pursuing goals that do not fit leads to effort without satisfaction.

They explain discomfort

Feeling drained or uneasy often signals living against a value. Feeling energised often signals living with one.

They support wellbeing and resilience

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by Steven Hayes and colleagues, places clarifying and acting on values at the centre of building a meaningful life, even when thoughts and feelings are difficult.

They give direction when you feel lost

If you feel stuck, values offer a compass. See how to stop feeling stuck in life and how to find your purpose in life.

A 5-step exercise to find your core values

Set aside 45 minutes with a notebook.

Step 1: Gather candidates

Write down every value that stands out. Sources:

• A values list. Search for a published list of values and circle those that resonate, or add your own.
• People you admire. Who inspires you, and what qualities do they embody?
• Your reactions. What do you find hard to forgive in others? Often this points to a value, for example, a strong reaction to unfairness may point to fairness.
• Your wishes. What do you wish there were more of in your life?

Do not overthink; aim for 15 to 20.

Step 2: Look at peak and low moments

Write about two or three times when you felt fully alive, proud or deeply satisfied, and two or three times when you felt drained, angry or ashamed. For each, ask: What was happening? Which values were being honoured or violated? Peaks usually show values in action. Lows often show values trampled.

Step 3: Group and narrow to three to five

Cluster similar values: “honesty,” “integrity” and “truthfulness” may be one. Then ask:

• Which of these could I not give up?
• If I could only keep three, which would they be?
• Which would I be sad to live without?

Choose three to five. Write a short phrase for each describing what it means to you in practice: “Curiosity: I keep learning and ask questions.” Words mean different things to different people.

Step 4: Test them against real life

For two or three weeks, note the moments that felt right or wrong. At the end of each day, ask: Did I act in line with my values today? Where did I go against them? Look at your calendar and spending: where do your time and money go, and does it match what you said matters?

Step 5: Check for conflicts and decide what to change

Values can pull against each other, for example, ambition and family time. Rather than deciding once, ask what balance you want in this season. Then choose one small change that moves you toward a value you have been neglecting, such as blocking an hour a week for a hobby or saying no to a commitment that conflicts with your priorities.

Using your values day to day

• Decisions: ask which option fits your values best.
• Boundaries: use values to explain and hold limits. See how to set healthy boundaries.
• Goals: choose goals that express your values, and drop those that only serve pressure.
• Hard moments: remind yourself why something matters when it is difficult.
• Weekly check-in: spend five minutes on Sunday asking whether your coming week reflects what matters.

A worked example

Priya, 32, feels vaguely dissatisfied with her successful marketing career.

1. Candidates: she lists 18 values, including creativity, security, helping others, learning and independence.
2. Peaks and lows: her best days involve mentoring juniors and solving creative problems; her worst involve pointless meetings and pressure to oversell.
3. Narrow: she picks helping others, creativity and honesty, and writes what each means: “Helping others: I teach and support people.”
4. Test: over three weeks, she notes that she feels most alive in her mentoring sessions and drained after sales calls.
5. Conflicts and change: she values security too, so she keeps her job but volunteers to lead a graduate programme and begins reducing the sales-heavy parts of her role.

Months later, she feels more aligned and is considering a move into training.

Common mistakes

• Choosing values you think you should have. Choose those you actually live by or want to.
• Picking too many. Three to five are easier to act on.
• Confusing values with goals. Values are directions, not finish lines.
• Using vague words. Define what each means in behaviour.
• Treating values as fixed. They evolve; revisit them.
• Ignoring conflicts. Trade-offs are part of living.

When to seek help

Consider speaking with a counsellor, coach or therapist if:

• you feel deeply lost or numb and cannot identify anything that matters,
• your values conflict painfully with your family, culture or work and you feel stuck,
• low mood or anxiety persists alongside the sense of directionlessness,
• you have thoughts of harming yourself.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and other approaches can help with values work. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency number or, in the United States, call or text 988. See our disclaimer.

Frequently asked questions

What are core values?

The qualities or principles that matter most to you and guide how you want to live, such as honesty, family or creativity.

What is the difference between values and goals?

Goals are achievable outcomes. Values are ongoing directions that you act on but never finish.

How many core values should I have?

Three to five are usually enough to guide decisions without becoming a long list.

How do I know if something is a real value?

It tends to show up in your peak moments, energises you when you live it and bothers you when you violate it.

Can values change?

Yes. They often shift with life stages, so review them every year or so.

What if my values conflict?

It is normal. Decide what balance fits this season of your life, and revisit it when circumstances change.

The bottom line

Values are the compass that goals lack. Gather candidates, look at your peaks and lows, narrow to a few, test them against real life and make one small change. Living in line with what matters to you will not remove difficulty, but it makes your choices clearer and your effort more your own.