How to Stop Feeling Awkward Around People: 8 Ways to Relax and Connect

You walk into a room and suddenly do not know what to do with your arms. Someone asks a simple question, and your mind goes blank. You say something slightly off, then spend the next ten minutes replaying it while the conversation moves on without you.

If that is you, take heart: almost everyone feels awkward sometimes, and the research on why gives us some surprisingly reassuring ways to feel better.

What awkwardness really is

Social awkwardness is the uncomfortable sense that your words, body or timing are slightly out of step with the situation. It is not a personality type you are stuck with. It is a state, usually produced by one thing: too much attention on yourself.

When you monitor your voice, posture, face and what you will say next, you leave little attention for the conversation itself. That split attention is what makes you stumble and miss cues, which feels like proof you are awkward, which makes you monitor more.

What the research says

The spotlight effect

Thomas Gilovich and colleagues found that people dramatically overestimate how much others notice their appearance and behaviour. In a famous study, students asked to wear an embarrassing T-shirt predicted about half of their peers would notice it; far fewer did. Read more in what is the spotlight effect.

The liking gap

Erica Boothby and colleagues found that after conversations, people systematically underestimate how much their partner liked them and enjoyed the interaction. This “liking gap” appeared among strangers, university roommates and workshop participants. Others tend to like us more than we think.

Self-focused attention

Cognitive models of social anxiety, such as the one proposed by David Clark and Adrian Wells, highlight how self-focused attention and mental images of how we look fuel anxiety and awkwardness. Turning attention outward is a core part of treatment.

8 ways to feel less awkward

1. Shift your attention to the other person

Instead of asking “How am I doing?” ask “What is this person saying? What are they interested in?” Listen closely and respond to what they actually said. Curiosity is the antidote to self-monitoring.

2. Ask open questions

Questions beginning with “what” and “how” invite more than yes or no: “What got you into that?” “How was your week?” People generally enjoy talking about themselves, and it takes pressure off you.

3. Remember the spotlight effect

When you stumble, remind yourself that others are mostly thinking about themselves. A slip you remember for days is usually forgotten in seconds.

4. Remember the liking gap

After a conversation, replace “that was awful” with “they probably liked me more than I think.” The research suggests that is statistically likely.

5. Slow down and breathe

Nervous people tend to speak fast and hold their breath. Take a slow breath, speak slightly slower and allow brief pauses. Pauses feel long to you but natural to everyone else. For more calming tools, see how to overcome social anxiety.

6. Name the awkwardness lightly

Sometimes a bit of honesty dissolves the tension: “I’m terrible at small talk, but I’m glad to be here.” Most people respond with warmth, because most people feel the same.

7. Accept the small stumbles

Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes. Laugh a little, say “that came out wrong,” and carry on. How you handle a stumble matters far more than the stumble itself.

8. Practise in low-stakes places

Chat to a cashier, a neighbour or a colleague in the kitchen. Social ease is a skill, built through repeated, low-pressure practice. Over time you will feel more natural in higher-stakes situations, such as making friends as an adult.

What to do with your body

• Hands: rest them naturally; holding a drink can help. Do not worry about “perfect” body language.
• Eye contact: look at the person, and break away naturally. Staring or avoiding both make things worse.
• Posture: relaxed and open is enough. Check in with your shoulders and jaw.
• Voice: speak at a steady pace and let sentences end.

A worked example

Leo hates office parties and spends them clinging to the snack table.

1. Attention outward: he decides his only job is to learn one thing about two people.
2. Open question: he asks a colleague, “What are you working on that you’re most excited about?”
3. Spotlight reminder: when he fumbles a word, he reminds himself nobody is focused on it.
4. Breathe: he takes a slow breath before answering questions.
5. Name it: he says, “I’m not great at these things, but I’m enjoying this conversation.”
6. Liking gap: driving home, he tells himself, “They probably liked me more than I think.”

He still feels some nerves, but the party feels shorter, and he leaves with two new conversations he enjoyed.

Common mistakes

• Rehearsing every sentence. It makes you stiff.
• Monitoring yourself constantly. It drains the attention you need to listen.
• Avoiding social situations. Avoidance shrinks your comfort zone.
• Judging a conversation by the worst moment. Others rarely do.
• Apologising too much. It draws attention to the stumble.
• Comparing yourself to the “smooth” person. They often feel nervous too.

When to seek help

Consider speaking with a doctor or therapist if:

• awkwardness comes with intense fear, panic or physical symptoms,
• you avoid work, school or social events because of it,
• you replay interactions for hours or days,
• it has lasted a long time and limits your life,
• you feel low or hopeless as a result.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy is very effective for social anxiety. See how to build self-confidence for related skills and our disclaimer.

Frequently asked questions

Why do I feel so awkward around people?

Usually because of self-focused attention: you are monitoring yourself so closely that you struggle to relax into the conversation.

Is social awkwardness a disorder?

No. It is common and not a diagnosis. If it comes with intense fear and avoidance, it may be social anxiety, which is treatable.

How do I stop overthinking what I say?

Direct your attention to the other person, ask open questions and listen to what they say instead of rehearsing your reply.

Do other people notice my awkward moments?

Much less than you think, according to research on the spotlight effect.

Do people like me less if I am awkward?

Studies on the liking gap suggest people like us more than we expect after conversations.

How can I practise being more at ease?

Start with low-stakes chats, such as with cashiers and neighbours, and build up gradually.

The bottom line

Awkwardness is mostly an attention problem. Turn your focus outward, ask real questions, remember that others notice less than you think and like you more than you expect. A stumble is just a stumble. Social ease comes from practice, not from a perfect performance.