How to Make Friends as an Adult: 10 Ways That Actually Work

At school and university, friends came almost automatically: shared classrooms, shared corridors, shared free time. Then adulthood happened. Jobs, moves, relationships and children scattered the people you knew, and somewhere along the way you noticed that making new friends had become strangely hard.

If you have been wondering how to make friends as an adult, you are far from alone. Many people feel it, and it isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you. This guide explains why adult friendships are difficult, what research says about how they form, and ten practical ways to build them.

Why is it harder to make friends as an adult?

Several things change:

• Less built-in contact. School and college placed you with the same people, repeatedly, with lots of unstructured time. Adult life doesn’t do this automatically.
• Less free time. Work, family and household tasks take up most of the day.
• Established circles. People often feel they already have their friends, and don’t look for new ones.
• Life changes. Moving, career changes and becoming a parent can pull people away from old friends.
• More at stake. As adults we can feel self-conscious about seeming needy or awkward.
• Remote work and screens. Fewer chance encounters, and easier to stay home.

It is not that adults can’t make friends. It is that friendship takes more deliberate effort.

How long does it take to make a friend?

One study of adults who had recently moved found that it takes surprisingly long. Based on the study’s estimates, it took roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, around 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. The exact figures will vary from person to person, but the message is useful: friendship is built through time, repeated and shared.

That matters because it shifts the question from “How do I click with someone?” to “How do I spend time with people regularly?”

Why it matters

Human beings are social animals, and connection is closely tied to wellbeing. A large review of studies found that lacking social connection was associated with a higher risk of early death, comparable to some well-known lifestyle risk factors. This is not meant to scare you; it is a reminder that friendship is a real need, not a luxury. If you are feeling isolated, you are noticing something worth acting on. (See also feeling lonely in a relationship if loneliness persists even when you’re with someone.)

What makes friendships form?

Psychologists have identified a few key ingredients:

• Proximity and repeated contact. Research on the “mere exposure effect” suggests that familiarity tends to increase liking. Seeing the same people regularly makes friendship more likely.
• Shared activities or interests. A common focus gives you something to do and talk about.
• Reciprocal self-disclosure. Gradually sharing more personal things, and listening when others do, deepens closeness.
• Feeling liked. People are more drawn to those who seem to like them.
• Time and consistency. As above, friendships grow with hours together.

10 ways to make friends as an adult

1. Go where the same people go, repeatedly

Regularity matters most. Choose activities that meet weekly or so, and stick with them for a few months:

• A class: art, cooking, language, dance, climbing, pottery
• A club or team: running club, football, book club, choir, board games
• Volunteering: a food bank, animal shelter, community garden
• Faith or community groups
• A regular workshop or meet-up related to a hobby
• A gym class you attend at the same time each week

Choose something you enjoy for its own sake. That way, even if you don’t meet a friend immediately, you haven’t wasted your time.

2. Turn up consistently

You are unlikely to form a friendship after one visit. Commit to going for at least six to eight sessions. Familiar faces begin to greet you, conversations go beyond small talk, and belonging builds. Showing up is 80 percent of it.

3. Start small conversations

You don’t need to be witty. Simple openers work:

• “How long have you been doing this?”
• “Is this your first time here?”
• “What brought you to the class?”
• “Do you know any good places nearby?”

Then be curious: ask follow-up questions and listen. People love to feel interested in.

4. Remember: people probably like you more than you think

Research on the “liking gap” found that after conversations, people consistently underestimate how much their conversation partners liked them, and how much they enjoyed the interaction. Our inner critic replays every awkward moment, but the other person mostly remembers that we were friendly. Keep that in mind when you are tempted to hold back. (If self-doubt is the main barrier, see how to overcome imposter syndrome and how to build self-confidence.)

5. Be the one who suggests the next step

Many people hope someone else will make the first move. Be that person. Move from “nice to see you” to a specific invitation:

• “A few of us are getting coffee after class. Want to come?”
• “I’m going to try that new café on Saturday. Would you like to join?”
• “Would you want to swap book recommendations over lunch?”

Keep the first invitation short, low-pressure and easy to accept. If they say no, most people aren’t offended, and they are often flattered.

6. Follow up

A pleasant chat without follow-up can fade. Take a number, connect on a social app, or say “It was great talking. Shall we do this again?” A short message the next day, such as “Enjoyed the chat. See you Thursday?”, keeps the thread alive.

7. Reconnect with old friends and acquaintances

You don’t have to start from scratch. Consider:

• People you lost touch with, who would probably love to hear from you
• Colleagues you get along with
• Neighbours
• Friends of friends
• Parents you meet at school gates

A simple “I was thinking of you, how are you?” is often welcome, and old friendships have a head start because you already have shared history.

8. Make and keep plans

Friendships need shared time. Suggest something concrete rather than “we should meet up sometime.” Regular rituals help: a monthly dinner, a weekly walk, a standing Sunday call. Once something is in the calendar, it is much more likely to happen.

9. Share yourself gradually

Closeness comes from sharing more than surface talk: your opinions, experiences, worries and joys, at a pace that feels safe. A useful rule is to match the other person’s level and go a little deeper. Also ask about them and listen properly. Being reliable, remembering details and following through builds trust. If opening up feels hard, our guide to naming what you feel can help.

10. Be patient, and keep your expectations realistic

Not everyone will click, and that is normal. Some people will be friendly but not become close, and some invitations won’t be returned. Try not to read rejection into a busy person’s “no.” Think of it as a numbers game: the more you show up and reach out, the more likely you are to find people you connect with.

Making friends when you are shy or anxious

If social situations make you nervous:

• Start with structured settings where the activity gives you something to do, like a class, rather than an open mingling event.
• Bring a buddy to your first session if that helps.
• Set a tiny goal: “I’ll say hello to one person,” rather than “I’ll make friends.”
• Prepare a few questions in advance.
• Use calming techniques before you go. See how to calm anxiety fast.
• Give yourself credit for going at all.
• Ask about the person, not just yourself. Being interested takes pressure off being interesting.

If social anxiety is intense and holds you back, a therapist can help. Social anxiety is common and very treatable.

Making friends in specific situations

After a move

Join something local quickly, introduce yourself to neighbours, and say yes to invitations in the first months, when people are most open.

When working remotely

Look for co-working spaces, local groups, classes or clubs. Suggest an occasional in-person coffee with online colleagues who live nearby.

As a parent

Try parent-and-child groups, school events, playgrounds and community classes. Regular meetings with the same parents build familiarity.

Later in life

Retirement or bereavement can shrink social circles. Volunteering, hobby groups, community centres and classes are excellent, and many others are looking for company too.

Online friendships

Online communities can be a good way to meet like-minded people, especially if you have niche interests, disabilities or live somewhere remote. Some friendships stay online and are meaningful; others can move offline. Take care, though: be cautious about sharing personal details, and be aware that scrolling and passive use is not the same as genuine connection. If social media leaves you feeling worse, see how to stop comparing yourself to others.

When to seek support

Loneliness is common and often temporary. Consider talking to a doctor or therapist if:

• loneliness has lasted a long time and is affecting your mood, sleep or health,
• you feel anxious about being around others and avoid social situations,
• you feel persistently low, hopeless or worthless,
• past hurts make it hard to trust or connect,
• you have thoughts of harming yourself.

Support is available, and asking for help is a good first step. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line. See our disclaimer for more.

Frequently asked questions

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Because adult life offers less automatic contact, less free time and more responsibilities, so friendships require more deliberate effort.

How do I make friends when I have no social circle?

Join something regular, such as a class, club or volunteer group; show up consistently; start small conversations; and suggest a specific next step to people you get along with.

How many friends should I have?

There’s no ideal number. A few close, supportive relationships matter more than a large network. Quality and reliability count.

How do I make friends if I’m shy?

Choose structured activities, set tiny goals, prepare a few questions and be patient with yourself. Familiar, repeated settings gradually ease shyness.

Is it normal to have few friends?

Yes. Many adults have small circles. If you are content, that’s fine. If you would like more connection, you can build it gradually.

How long does it take to make close friends?

Research suggests it can take hundreds of hours of shared time. Be patient: consistent contact over months is normal.

The bottom line

Making friends as an adult isn’t about being charming. It is about showing up regularly, being curious, taking the small risk of a real invitation, and giving friendships time. Pick one recurring activity this week, commit to going for two months, and say hello to one person each time. Friendship is built in ordinary, repeated moments.