How to Stop Being Jealous of Other People's Success: 8 Honest Steps

A friend announces a promotion, and you say “congratulations” while something tight settles in your stomach. An old classmate posts a holiday that looks perfect. A colleague’s project gets applauded, and you smile, then go home and feel small.

If you have ever felt jealous of someone’s success and then felt guilty for it, you are in extremely good company. Envy is one of the oldest human emotions, and it is far more useful than it feels.

Envy or jealousy?

People use the words interchangeably, but psychologists tend to separate them. Jealousy is fear of losing something you have to a rival, usually in relationships. Envy is wanting something someone else has, such as success, recognition or a lifestyle. Resentment of other people’s achievements is envy, even though we usually call it jealousy. If your jealousy is about a partner, see how to deal with jealousy in a relationship.

Why it happens

We judge ourselves by comparison

Leon Festinger’s theory of social comparison proposed that we evaluate our abilities and opinions by comparing ourselves with others, especially people who are similar to us. Envy is strongest when someone close to us, a friend, colleague or sibling, succeeds in an area we care about.

Upward comparison hurts more

Comparing with people who seem better off tends to lower mood, particularly when the area matters to our identity. Social media makes this constant, because we see other people’s highlights, not their ordinary days. See how to stop comparing yourself to others.

It touches self-worth

Research reviewed by Richard Smith and Sung Hee Kim finds that envy arises when another person’s advantage threatens our self-esteem in an area we value, and feels worse when we feel the situation is unfair or beyond our control.

Uncertainty about our own path

When you feel stuck, other people’s progress is a reminder. If this resonates, how to stop feeling behind in life may help.

Two kinds of envy

Niels van de Ven and colleagues described two forms.

• Benign envy: “She did it. I’d like that too, and maybe I can.” It tends to motivate learning, effort and admiration.
• Malicious envy: “He doesn’t deserve it. I’d like him to lose it.” It tends to lead to resentment, gossip and the urge to undermine.

Both feel unpleasant, but benign envy points toward growth. The difference often lies in whether you believe the person’s success is deserved and whether you believe you can improve your own situation.

8 steps to stop being jealous of other people’s success

1. Name it without shame

Say to yourself: “I’m feeling envious.” Accepting the feeling is more effective than pushing it away, because suppressed emotions tend to leak out as bitterness.

2. Ask what you actually want

Envy is information. Ask: What exactly am I envying? The money, the freedom, the recognition, the confidence? Often it points to a value you have set aside. Write down the one thing.

3. Separate the person from the prize

You may want the achievement without wanting the person’s whole life. Notice what you do not envy, such as their hours, stress or sacrifices. It shows that comparison is selective.

4. Remember the highlight reel

You see another person’s results, not their doubts, failures or private struggles. Remind yourself you are comparing your behind-the-scenes with their front stage.

5. Compare with your own path

Ask: Where was I a year ago? What have I learned? What do I want to do next? Progress against yourself is the only comparison you can act on.

6. Turn envy into one small action

If you envy someone’s writing success, write for 20 minutes. If you envy their fitness, take a walk. One small step turns a feeling into movement, and moves envy toward the benign kind.

7. Practise generosity

Congratulate the person sincerely, even if it feels forced at first. Studies on prosocial behaviour suggest that celebrating others’ wins tends to strengthen the relationship and soften envy over time. If it feels impossible with a particular person, take a break from their feed.

8. Strengthen your own sense of worth

Envy is stronger when your self-worth depends on being ahead. Work on valuing yourself for more than achievements. See how to stop feeling insecure and how to overcome an inferiority complex.

A worked example

Tessa is a freelance designer. A friend, also a designer, lands a big client and posts about it. Tessa feels sick.

1. Name it: “I’m envious.”
2. What do I want? She realises she wants a bigger client and more financial security.
3. Separate: she does not envy her friend’s 60-hour weeks.
4. Highlight reel: she remembers her friend mentioning burnout last spring.
5. Compare with herself: she looks at her own growth: three new clients this year.
6. Small action: she sends one proposal to a company she has wanted to work with.
7. Generosity: she sends her friend a warm message and means it.

The envy does not vanish immediately, but it moves from a pang of resentment to a sense of direction.

Common mistakes

• Pretending you feel nothing. Suppression tends to backfire.
• Punishing yourself for envy. Shame adds another layer without helping.
• Undermining the other person. Malicious acts damage you and your relationships.
• Scrolling to “motivate” yourself. It usually feeds comparison.
• Waiting for the feeling to disappear before acting. Action changes it.
• Comparing across different starting lines. Circumstances, luck and timing differ.

When to seek help

Consider speaking with a therapist if:

• envy is constant, intense or consumes your thoughts,
• it affects friendships, family or work,
• it comes with persistent low mood, anxiety or feelings of worthlessness,
• you find yourself wanting to harm other people’s success,
• you feel unable to enjoy anything because of comparison.

Cognitive-behavioural and compassion-focused approaches can help with self-worth and comparison. See our disclaimer.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to be jealous of other people’s success?

Yes. Envy is a universal emotion, especially when someone similar to us achieves something we want.

What is the difference between envy and jealousy?

Envy is wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is fearing losing something you have to someone else.

What is benign envy?

A form of envy that motivates you to improve, as opposed to malicious envy, which wants others to lose what they have.

How do I stop envying friends?

Name the feeling, find what it points to, compare with your own progress, take one small action and practise genuine congratulation.

Does social media make envy worse?

Research on social comparison suggests it can, because it shows highlight reels and invites constant upward comparison.

When is envy a sign of a deeper problem?

When it is constant, painful, damages relationships or comes with low self-worth or depression. A therapist can help.

The bottom line

Envy is a signal, not a sentence. Name it without shame, work out what it points to, compare yourself with your own path and take one small action toward what you want. Someone else’s success is not subtracted from yours, and your envy can be the compass you needed.