How to Be More Assertive: 9 Skills to Speak Up With Confidence

A colleague dumps a task on you. A friend cancels for the third time. Someone in the meeting talks over you. You feel your chest tighten, you say “no problem”, and then you replay the moment all evening, wishing you had spoken up.

If that sounds familiar, you are not weak or difficult; you may simply not have had much practice with assertiveness. This guide explains what assertiveness is, how it differs from passive and aggressive communication, why it can be hard, and nine practical skills, with scripts, to help you speak up with confidence and respect.

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, needs and limits honestly, directly and respectfully, while recognising that other people have the same right. It is not about winning or being pushy. It is about being clear.

Two ideas sit at its core:

• You have a right to ask for what you need, say no, disagree and make mistakes.
• So does everyone else. Assertiveness respects both sides.

Four communication styles

Style	What it sounds like	What it feels like	Typical outcome
Passive	“Oh, whatever you like.” “It’s fine.” (when it isn’t)	Anxious, resentful, unheard	Needs unmet, resentment builds
Aggressive	“You never listen!” “Do it my way.”	Powerful in the moment, then guilt or conflict	Others feel hurt, defensive or afraid
Passive-aggressive	Sarcasm, silent treatment, “Fine. Do what you want.”	Indirect anger	Confusion, distrust
Assertive	“I’d prefer to do it this way. What do you think?”	Calm, clear, respectful	Better understanding, healthier relationships

Most of us use different styles in different situations, perhaps assertive with friends, passive with the boss, or aggressive when stressed.

Signs you may need to be more assertive

• You say yes when you mean no
• You struggle to state your opinion in groups
• You apologise excessively
• You avoid conflict at almost any cost
• You feel resentful, taken for granted or overlooked
• You find it hard to ask for help or for what you need
• You let others make most decisions
• You feel anxious before conversations that require speaking up
• You replay conversations afterwards

Many of these overlap with people-pleasing; see how to stop being a people pleaser.

Why is assertiveness hard?

• Fear of conflict or rejection. Speaking up can feel risky.
• Learned patterns. If asserting yourself was discouraged as a child, silence may feel safer.
• Low self-esteem. If you doubt your worth, it is harder to believe your needs matter. See low self-esteem: signs, causes and how to improve it.
• Anxiety. Physical symptoms make speaking up feel difficult. See how to overcome social anxiety.
• Culture, gender and role expectations, which shape what feels “acceptable” to say.
• Confusing assertiveness with aggression. Many people avoid it because they fear being seen as rude.

It’s worth remembering that context matters. In some cultures and workplaces, directness is expressed differently, and there are situations where speaking up carries real risk. Assertiveness is a flexible skill, not a script.

Does assertiveness training work?

Yes. A review of the research on assertiveness training found that it is an effective, evidence-based approach, with benefits for people with social anxiety, depression and other difficulties, as well as for general communication skills. It is often a part of cognitive behavioural therapy. The message is encouraging: assertiveness can be learned with practice.

9 skills to be more assertive

1. Know what you want and need

Before speaking up, get clear. Ask:

• What do I feel?
• What do I want or need here?
• What is my limit?
• What outcome would be fair?

Jot down a sentence. If you find it hard to identify feelings, see how to name what you feel.

2. Use “I” statements

“I” statements describe your experience without blaming. A simple formula:

“I feel [emotion] when [specific behaviour/situation], and I would like [request].”

• Instead of: “You always interrupt me!” Try: “I feel frustrated when I’m interrupted, and I’d like to finish my point.”
• Instead of: “You’re so disorganised.” Try: “I feel stressed when plans change at the last minute. Could we agree a plan earlier?”

3. Make clear, specific requests

Vague hints don’t get results. State what you want in plain terms:

• “Could you send me the report by Thursday noon?”
• “I’d like us to split the cooking on weekdays.”
• “Please knock before you come in.”

Avoid apologising for asking, or over-explaining. A request is not a demand, and the other person may say no, which is where negotiation comes in.

4. Say no clearly and kindly

You are allowed to decline. A good “no” is short and warm:

1. Acknowledge: “Thanks for thinking of me.”
2. Say no: “I can’t take that on.”
3. (Optional) alternative: “I could help next week.”

Instead of…	Try…
“Um, I’d love to but I’ve got so much on and…”	“Thanks for asking. I can’t this time.”
“Sure, no problem” (when it is one)	“I can’t do that by Friday. I could do it Monday.”
“Sorry, I’m so sorry, I just can’t…”	“I’m not able to. I hope it goes well.”

You don’t owe long explanations. For more on limits, see how to set healthy boundaries.

5. Use the “broken record” technique

When someone pushes, calmly repeat your point, without getting drawn into arguments:

• “I understand it’s inconvenient. I can’t do it this weekend.”
• “I hear you. My answer is still no.”

Stay calm, keep the same message, and vary the words slightly. It is especially useful with persistent salespeople, pushy friends or repeated requests.

6. Use assertive body language and tone

Words are only part of the message. Support them with:

• Eye contact that is steady but not staring
• Upright, relaxed posture
• Calm, steady voice, neither whisper nor shout
• A moderate pace, without rushing
• Open hands and relaxed shoulders

If you are nervous, slow breathing with a longer exhale before you speak can help; see how to calm anxiety fast.

7. Handle criticism and pushback

Assertiveness includes responding well when others disagree or criticise.

• Listen first, without interrupting
• Ask clarifying questions: “Can you give me an example?”
• Acknowledge what’s valid: “You’re right that I missed that deadline.”
• Disagree respectfully: “I see it differently. Here is how it looks to me.”
• Don’t take it as a verdict on your worth

If criticism is unfair or abusive, you can say: “I’m happy to talk about this, but not in this tone.”

8. Use a script for tricky conversations

A four-step structure known as DESC can keep you on track:

• D: Describe the situation objectively: “The last three meetings started 20 minutes late.”
• E: Express how you feel or its effect: “I find it hard to plan the rest of my day.”
• S: Specify what you’d like: “Could we start on time, or agree a fixed start?”
• C: Consequences (positive): “That would help us finish on schedule and everyone would be less rushed.”

Writing your script in advance, even a few lines, makes it much easier to speak. Our guide to having a difficult conversation offers more.

9. Practise in small steps

Like any skill, assertiveness grows with practice. Build a ladder:

Level	Example
Easy	Ask for a different table; return a wrong order politely
Moderate	Voice a preference to a friend; decline a small request
Harder	Ask for a deadline change at work; disagree in a meeting
Toughest	Address a long-standing issue with a family member or boss

Reflect afterwards: What went well? What would I change? How did it feel? And be kind to yourself: quieting the inner critic helps if you berate yourself after each attempt.

A worked example

Suppose a colleague repeatedly hands you extra work at the last minute.

• Old response (passive): “Sure, okay,” then resentment and late nights.
• Aggressive response: “You always dump things on me! Do it yourself!”
• Assertive response (DESC):
  • Describe: “This is the third time this week you’ve asked me to take on something at 4 p.m.”
  • Express: “It makes it hard for me to finish my own work.”
  • Specify: “Could you give me a day’s notice, or check with me first about my workload?”
  • Consequences: “Then I can help properly, and we’ll both avoid last-minute stress.”
• If they push: “I understand it’s urgent. I can’t take it on today. I could look at it tomorrow morning.”

Assertiveness in different settings

• At work: Prepare, keep it factual, and link requests to shared goals. Ask for deadlines and priorities.
• In close relationships: Choose calm moments, use “I” statements and listen. See how to rebuild trust in a relationship for repairing after conflict.
• With family: Expect old patterns. Repeat calmly and focus on what you will do.
• With friends: Honesty tends to deepen friendships.
• In public and services: Ask clearly for what you’re entitled to, politely and persistently.

Common mistakes

• Waiting until you’re furious. Speak up earlier, when you’re calmer.
• Over-apologising and over-explaining, which weaken your message
• Turning it into aggression. Assertive is calm and respectful.
• Expecting an instant “yes”. Others may object or negotiate.
• Giving up after one awkward attempt. It gets easier.
• Ignoring the other person. Listening is part of assertiveness.

When assertiveness is not safe

Assertiveness assumes a basic level of safety. If you are with someone who is abusive, controlling or threatening, or in a workplace where speaking up brings real danger, standard advice may not be safe. In those situations, prioritise your safety, seek support and consider professional or legal help. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233; elsewhere, a local helpline can help. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency number. See our disclaimer.

When to seek more support

Consider talking to a therapist or counsellor if:

• fear of speaking up is intense or affects your work and relationships,
• you feel anxious, low or worthless much of the time,
• past experiences, such as bullying or abuse, make asserting yourself feel unsafe,
• you swing between silence and angry outbursts,
• you have thoughts of harming yourself.

Assertiveness training and cognitive behavioural therapy are effective, and support is available. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line; in the United States you can call or text 988.

Frequently asked questions

What does being assertive mean?

Expressing your needs, feelings and opinions clearly and respectfully, while respecting other people’s too.

What is the difference between assertive and aggressive?

Assertive communication is honest and respectful of both sides. Aggressive communication overrides or attacks the other person.

How can I be more assertive at work?

Prepare what you want to say, use “I” statements and clear requests, say no politely, and link your points to shared goals.

Can shy people become assertive?

Yes. Assertiveness is a skill, and shy people can build it gradually with small steps and practice.

Why do I feel guilty when I’m assertive?

If you’re used to putting others first, guilt is common. It fades as you see that clear, kind communication doesn’t harm relationships.

Can assertiveness be learned?

Yes. Research supports assertiveness training as an effective approach, and skills improve with practice.

The bottom line

Assertiveness is not about being louder or tougher; it is about being clear and fair to yourself and others. You don’t need to become a different person, just to practise saying what you mean, kindly. Choose one small situation this week, such as stating a preference or declining a minor request, write a one-line script, and try it. Each time you speak up respectfully, it gets easier.