How to Deal With Shame: 8 Ways to Loosen Its Grip

A memory surfaces from years ago, and your face goes hot. Or a compliment lands, and a voice says: if they only knew. Or you find yourself skipping something you want to do because of a quiet certainty that you are not the kind of person who deserves it.

That heaviness, a sense of being fundamentally wrong, is shame. It is one of the most painful human emotions, and one of the most misunderstood.

Shame versus guilt

The two are often confused. Psychologist June Tangney, who has researched them for decades, distinguishes:

• Guilt: a feeling about a behaviour. “I did something wrong.” It tends to motivate apology, repair and change.
• Shame: a feeling about the self. “I am wrong; I am not enough.” It tends to lead to hiding, defensiveness, blaming others or withdrawing.

Both can follow the same event, but they point in opposite directions. Guilt faces the situation, while shame turns away from it. See why do I feel guilty all the time for guilt specifically.

Where shame comes from

• Early messages. Being criticised, mocked, neglected or told you were “too much” or “not enough.”
• Bullying or humiliation, especially in childhood and adolescence.
• Family or cultural rules about what is acceptable.
• Trauma and abuse. Survivors often feel shame that belongs to the perpetrator.
• Failures and mistakes that feel like proof of inadequacy.
• Body, identity or background that others have judged.
• Social media comparison. See how to stop comparing yourself to others.

How shame shows up

• hiding or avoiding people, places or topics,
• perfectionism and over-apologising,
• harsh self-talk,
• defensiveness, anger or blaming others,
• numbing through alcohol, work or scrolling,
• hot face, wanting to disappear,
• replaying events. See how to stop ruminating about embarrassing moments.

What research suggests about easing it

Shame depends on secrecy

Sociologist and researcher Brené Brown’s qualitative work on shame resilience describes shame as thriving on silence and judgement, and resilience as involving four elements: recognising shame and its triggers, checking the story against reality, reaching out to others and speaking about it. Her central point is that shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.

Compassion reduces shame

Paul Gilbert and Kirsten Procter’s work on compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism found that a group programme significantly reduced shame, self-criticism, depression and anxiety. Kristin Neff’s research likewise connects self-compassion with lower shame and greater willingness to take responsibility, since people who are kind to themselves find it safer to look at their mistakes.

Self-attack does not motivate

Shame often disguises itself as a motivator: if I punish myself enough, I will do better. Evidence suggests the opposite. See how to stop being so hard on yourself.

8 ways to deal with shame

1. Recognise it and name it

Notice the signs, the hot face, the urge to hide, the “I am bad” voice, and say: “This is shame.” Naming it creates distance. See how to name what you feel.

2. Separate the person from the event

Ask: What did I do, and what is the story I am telling about who I am? A behaviour can be wrong without making you worthless. Write both sentences down: “I did X” and “I am a bad person.” Notice that they are not the same.

3. Check the story against reality

Shame deals in absolutes: “Everyone thinks I’m a failure.” Ask: What is the evidence? Would I judge a friend like this? Whose voice is this, mine or someone else’s? Often the “judge” is an internalised voice from the past.

4. Take responsibility without self-punishment

If you did something that harmed someone, own it, apologise and make amends. Then stop. Responsibility looks forward; shame looks backward. See how to forgive yourself and how to learn from your mistakes.

5. Tell someone safe

Choose a person who is likely to respond with empathy, such as a trusted friend, partner, family member or therapist. You do not have to say everything. “I’ve been carrying something that I’m ashamed of, and I’d like to tell you.” Being met with acceptance is the antidote.

6. Practise self-compassion

Speak to yourself as you would to a friend: “This is painful. Many people feel this way. I can be kind to myself right now.” Neff’s three elements, mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness, can be practised in a minute. A hand on your chest can help.

7. Interrupt the spiral with your body

When shame floods you, move: walk, stretch, splash water on your face, step outside. Slow your breathing. Shame is physical as well as mental, and changing your body can loosen it.

8. Act in line with your values

Shame tells you to hide. Counter it with small acts of courage: show up, speak, try the thing. Each time you act and survive, shame loses a little authority. See how to find your core values.

A worked example

Jon, 40, feels deep shame about a business that failed years ago and avoids talking about it.

1. Name it: “This is shame, not just regret.”
2. Separate: “I made some poor decisions” is not “I am a failure.”
3. Check the story: he realises his friends mostly remember how hard he worked.
4. Responsibility: he writes down what he learned and apologises to a former partner whom he let down.
5. Tell someone: he shares the whole story with his brother, who responds with kindness and his own similar story.
6. Self-compassion: he starts saying, “That was a hard time, and I did my best with what I knew.”
7. Body: he goes for a run when the feeling rises.
8. Values: he takes a mentoring role at a local small-business group, using what he learned.

The memory still stings occasionally, but it no longer defines him.

Common mistakes

• Hiding it. Secrecy feeds shame.
• Confusing shame with guilt. They need different responses.
• Self-punishing as a motivator. It usually backfires.
• Telling the wrong person. Choose someone safe.
• Numbing it. Alcohol and avoidance deepen it.
• Expecting instant relief. It is a gradual process.

When to seek help

Talk to a therapist or doctor if:

• shame is constant, overwhelming or affecting your relationships, work or health,
• it is linked with trauma, abuse, bullying or loss,
• you feel unworthy of help or of living,
• you turn to alcohol, self-harm or other harmful coping,
• you have thoughts of harming yourself.

Compassion-focused therapy, cognitive-behavioural therapy and trauma-focused therapies can help. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency number or, in the United States, call or text 988. See our disclaimer.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between shame and guilt?

Guilt is about what you did; shame is about who you are. Guilt motivates repair; shame tends to lead to hiding.

Why does shame make me want to hide?

Because shame signals a threat to belonging, so the instinct is to withdraw. Unfortunately that keeps it alive.

How do I get rid of shame?

You may not eliminate it, but you can loosen it by naming it, checking the story, talking to someone safe and practising self-compassion.

Is shame ever useful?

Mild social embarrassment can signal that we care about others, but deep, chronic shame is mostly harmful.

Can therapy help with shame?

Yes. Compassion-focused, cognitive-behavioural and trauma-informed therapies are effective for shame.

What if my shame comes from something that was done to me?

That shame belongs to what happened, not to you. A trauma-informed therapist can help.

The bottom line

Shame tells you that you are the problem. It loosens when you name it, separate who you are from what happened, take responsibility without self-punishment, tell someone safe and treat yourself with compassion. You are allowed to be a person who has made mistakes and is still worthy of belonging.