How to Cope With Grief: What to Expect and What Helps

Someone you love has died, or a relationship has ended, or a chapter of your life has closed. The world seems to carry on regardless, while you feel as if you are moving through fog. Sometimes you feel nothing. Sometimes a smell, a song or an empty chair knocks the breath out of you.

If you are searching for how to cope with grief, first know this: what you are feeling is not a sign that you are doing it wrong. Grief is the natural response to losing someone or something that mattered. This guide explains what grief can feel like, what research says about how people move through it, ten ways to cope, how to support someone else, and when it is time to ask for more help.

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional, physical, mental and social response to loss. Most often we think of the death of a loved one, but people also grieve:

• The end of a relationship or divorce
• The death of a pet
• Miscarriage or stillbirth
• Loss of health, mobility or a diagnosis
• Loss of a job, home or a way of life
• Estrangement from family or friends
• Loss of a future they had hoped for

Grief is the internal experience, bereavement is the state of having lost someone, and mourning is how we express grief outwardly, through rituals, customs or personal ways of remembering.

What does grief feel like?

Grief is much broader than sadness. It can affect every part of you.

Emotions

• Sadness, longing, yearning
• Numbness or shock
• Anger, at the person, at yourself, at the world
• Guilt or regret (“If only I had…”)
• Anxiety and fear
• Relief, especially after a long illness, which can bring guilt
• Loneliness and emptiness
• Sometimes moments of laughter or joy, which are normal, not disloyal

Thoughts

• Difficulty concentrating or remembering
• Preoccupation with the person or events
• Disbelief: “I can’t believe they’re gone”
• Sensing the person’s presence, or briefly hearing or seeing them, which many bereaved people report

Physical

• Exhaustion, sleep problems
• Changes in appetite
• Aches, headaches, chest tightness or stomach problems
• A weakened immune system, feeling run-down

Behaviour

• Withdrawing from others, or needing company
• Restlessness, crying or being unable to cry
• Avoiding reminders, or seeking them out
• Losing interest in usual activities

If you feel numb or empty, that is also a normal response; see why do I feel numb.

Are there stages of grief?

Many people have heard of “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 work on people facing their own death, and were later applied to bereavement. They have been useful in normalising strong emotions, but research does not support the idea that everyone moves through fixed stages in order.

What studies of bereaved people find is more varied:

• Many people show resilience. Research led by George Bonanno found that a large proportion of people experience painful grief but return to relatively stable functioning without formal treatment, while others experience more prolonged difficulty.
• Grief comes in waves. Intense feelings often surface unexpectedly, especially around anniversaries, holidays and reminders.
• People move back and forth. The dual process model describes healthy coping as oscillating between two modes: loss-oriented (feeling the pain, remembering, yearning) and restoration-oriented (handling practical tasks, taking on new roles, distracting yourself, building a new life). Taking breaks from grief is not avoidance; it is part of coping.

So, there is no right way to grieve, no timetable, and no “getting over it.” Most people learn to carry loss and to build a life around it.

10 ways to cope with grief

1. Let yourself feel

Grief needs room. Suppressing feelings tends to prolong them. Allow tears, anger, numbness or laughter as they come, without judging them. Try naming what is there: “I’m feeling sad and angry and empty.” Our guide on how to name what you feel can help when words are hard.

2. Look after your body

Grief is physically exhausting. Aim for the basics, even if you’re not hungry or sleepy:

• Sleep: keep a gentle routine. If your mind races at night, see how to fall asleep when your mind is racing.
• Food and water: small, regular meals
• Movement: a short daily walk can help
• Limit alcohol: it can deepen low mood and disrupt sleep

If your body reacts strongly, with a racing heart or tightness, see why anxiety feels so physical. Talk to a doctor about persistent physical symptoms.

3. Lean on people

Connection helps, even when you feel like withdrawing. You do not have to talk about it all the time. Options:

• Tell people what you need: “I’d like company,” or “I need some quiet, but please check in.”
• Accept practical help: meals, lifts, errands
• Talk to those who knew the person, and share memories
• Join a support group for people who have experienced similar loss

Some friends may not know what to say. It’s okay to tell them what helps.

4. Keep simple routines

Loss can make time shapeless. A few anchors help: getting up at a regular time, getting dressed, a daily walk, a set mealtime. They needn’t be ambitious. Small structure gives the mind a place to rest.

5. Take grief in doses

Following the dual process idea, allow yourself both to grieve and to take breaks from it. Watching a film, seeing a friend or doing a hobby is not betrayal. You might set aside a little time each day for remembering, such as looking at photos or writing, and give yourself permission to do other things the rest of the time.

6. Mark the loss in your own way

Rituals help make loss real and honour the person:

• Attending or holding a memorial or funeral
• Lighting a candle, visiting a grave or a special place
• Writing a letter to the person
• Creating a photo album or memory box
• Cooking their favourite meal
• Planting a tree
• Donating to a cause they cared about

There is no “right” ritual. Choose what feels meaningful.

7. Write it down

Writing can help you process what you can’t say aloud. Try:

• A journal of thoughts and memories
• A letter to the person, including things unsaid
• Writing about what you miss, and what you’re grateful for
• Noting one thing each day that got you through

You needn’t share it with anyone.

8. Be patient with your mind

Grief fog is real. You may forget things, lose focus or feel disorganised. Reduce demands where you can:

• Write lists and reminders
• Postpone big decisions if possible
• Ask for extra time at work or study
• Be gentle with yourself

9. Prepare for triggers and “grief waves”

Certain days can hit hard: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or an ordinary Tuesday. When a wave comes:

• Recognise it: “This is a grief wave. It will pass.”
• Breathe slowly, ground yourself, and let tears come
• Reach out to someone
• Plan ahead for known difficult dates: decide whom you’ll be with and what you’ll do

10. Be kind to yourself

You may hear “shoulds”: I should be over this by now. I should be stronger. Try replacing them with the compassion you’d offer a friend: “This is hard. It makes sense that I hurt. I am doing my best.” Guilt often accompanies grief; if it is heavy, our article on how to forgive yourself may help.

Different kinds of loss and grief

• Sudden or traumatic loss: shock, intrusive images and anxiety are common, and professional support can help.
• Anticipatory grief: grieving before a loss, for instance when someone is terminally ill.
• Ambiguous loss: loss without clear closure, such as a missing person or a loved one with dementia.
• Disenfranchised grief: grief that society may not recognise as legitimate, such as losing a pet, an ex-partner or a pregnancy. Your grief still counts.
• Grief after suicide: often includes intense guilt, anger and questions; specialist support groups can be very valuable.
• Loss of a child or partner: profound and lasting; seek support early.

How to support someone who is grieving

• Show up. Presence matters more than perfect words. “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”
• Listen without fixing or rushing them.
• Say the person’s name and share memories, if the griever welcomes it.
• Offer specific help: “I’ll bring dinner on Thursday,” rather than “Let me know if you need anything.”
• Avoid clichés such as “They’re in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you had them for so long.”
• Check in later, when the initial support has faded. Grief lasts far longer than the funeral.
• Remember anniversaries and difficult dates.

When grief needs more help

Grief is not an illness, and most people do not need treatment. But for some, grief becomes stuck. Prolonged grief disorder, now recognised in major diagnostic systems, describes intense, persistent longing or preoccupation with the deceased, along with symptoms such as identity disruption, difficulty accepting the death, emotional numbness, and inability to re-engage with life, lasting well beyond the expected period, generally beyond six to twelve months depending on the system.

Consider speaking to a doctor, counsellor or bereavement service if:

• grief feels overwhelming and isn’t easing after many months,
• you can’t function at work, home or in relationships,
• you feel persistently numb, hopeless or that life has no meaning,
• you blame yourself intensely or feel unbearable guilt,
• you’re using alcohol or drugs to cope,
• you have panic, flashbacks or nightmares,
• you have thoughts of harming yourself, or of joining the person who died.

Talking therapies designed for grief and, where needed, treatment for depression or trauma are effective. If you are having thoughts of suicide or feel unsafe, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line straight away. In the United States, you can call or text 988. See our disclaimer for more.

Frequently asked questions

How long does grief last?

There’s no set timeline. Intense grief often softens over months, but waves can return for years, especially around anniversaries. Many people describe learning to live with loss rather than “getting over” it.

Is it normal to feel nothing after a loss?

Yes. Numbness and shock are common early responses, and feelings may arrive later.

Is it normal to feel relief after someone dies?

Yes, especially after a long or difficult illness. Relief and grief can coexist.

What are the stages of grief?

The five-stage model is popular, but research doesn’t show that everyone goes through fixed stages. Grief is individual and often moves in waves.

When should I see someone about grief?

If it is not easing after many months, is stopping you functioning, or comes with hopelessness or thoughts of self-harm, seek professional help.

What should I say to someone who is grieving?

Keep it simple and sincere: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you. I’m here if you want to talk.” Avoid clichés and offers to fix.

The bottom line

Grief is love with nowhere to go. It doesn’t follow a schedule, and there is no correct way to do it. Let yourself feel, keep to small routines, lean on people who care, and mark the loss in your own way. If it gets too heavy to carry alone, reaching out for help is not weakness; it is one of the wisest things you can do. You do not have to do this by yourself.